Shocks and Shoes: Humor

Humor

10 Things only Stay at Home Moms can Understand

5:03:00 pm

Humor

Life as a Hindi Serial Heroine

1:49:00 pm

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How do I know what life’s like as a Hindi serial heroine? Allow me to explain.

At the risk of sounding extremely patronizing, I’ll say this – I seriously dislike Indian TV. Yes, I’m horrid and arrogant and unpatriotic and whatever, but it’s true. I’m happy with Star World, Fox Crime and Z Café.

My dislike obviously extended to regular Hindi soaps, though my sis and her friends used to watch them regularly (I know, I should disown her for this). When I heard them discussing the shows with so much fervour, I decided to see for myself what the whole deal was about. I’ve only read about Ekta Kapoor’s serials being regressive, but it wasn’t really specified in what way. Curiosity got the better of me and thus began my experiment.

I knew a few things beforehand: the ladies in general were overdressed, more so the ‘vamps’. Everyone lived in huge houses. People’s expressions were shown in close-up for several seconds, one after the other. To maintain a level of consistency, I watched only Star Plus shows.

And finally my findings; after months of toil and sweat, here is my understanding of what your life would be like, if you lived inside a Hindi Serial.

Note: Please excuse the quality of the pictures, good ones aren’t that easy to find :)

1. You will ALWAYS wear eye shadow

You could have been in an accident, woken up in the middle of the night, laying in hospital, cast out on the streets – whatever your circumstance; you will invariably be wearing prominent eye shadow – in a color matching your saree. Also, the amount of make up on your face will be directly proportional to how mean you are.

2. You will not respect or care for your body

You could be sick to your bones but when someone suggests calling a doctor, you immediately wave it away as ‘nothing’. ‘Doctor ko bulao!!’, shouts someone. ‘Nahin, nahin, main theekh hoon’ – should be your response, eye shadow and all. Any kind of condition that requires immediate medical attention – burns, fainting, deep cuts – all you’ll do is put some turmeric or something (after all, you do live in the kitchen). I am yet to see a serial actress who asks to see a doctor, even when they are on the verge of childbirth!

By the way, people in Serial-land always have friendly neighborhood doctors who visit you, you never have to step foot inside a clinic. Well considering all the women refuse treatment, the doctors probably aren’t all that busy.

3. You’ll stand by your husband – even if he’s abusive, distant or just plain crazy

A lot of Hindi serials start off with the hero as a negative character. He will abuse you, force you into marriage, hit you, taunt you, starve you and do everything to lower your self esteem. But should you react to this? No!!! Because you trust in the great institution of marriage, and that the Gods will respond to your prayers and that things will turn out all right some day. ‘Parivar’ is, after all, over and above ‘swabhiman’, you say. And since this is Serial land, you’re right – things do work out in the end. Too bad psychos don’t transform overnight in real life.

In the event that someone else stands up for you (read: another man), you’ll refuse his help. (For more details as to why you do this, see point 2). And you’ll continue to sit at his feet and literally worship him.

4. You’ll have a standard uniform – and you’ll work it (literally)

You and your serial sisters will all have to dress the same way – glitzy saree with an unpleated pallu, long straight hair left loose, arms decked out with bangles and a huge prominent mangalsutra hanging down your neck.

So you go from this:

to this:

Other than that you all look like clones of each other, it’s no big deal - but for the fact that you are expected to work all day – cooking, drying papads, caring for babies etc. – in an outfit that is clearly not designed with comfort in mind. At the very least, your pallu is a fire hazard in the kitchen, your loose hair a hygiene problem, and your bangle stack a plain inconvenience.

But should you dare to change into something more comfortable, prepare to spend episode after episode debating this with your Saas, Kaaki, bhabhi and other sundry (female) relatives. It is obviously a matter that requires much more discussion than the 2014 elections. Do you really want to deal with those disapproving stares?

5. You’ll say goodbye to non vegetarian food

I’m not sure what the reason behind this is, but every single household in Serial Land is vegetarian. Some even avoid onions and garlic, so be very, very sure before you start cooking there. Don’t forget that the ever watchful eyes of your Mother in Law are on you.

God forbid you decide to make an egg mask for your hair – what are you going to do with the eggshells?? The disposal of said shells alone qualifies for an entire story arc consisting of several episodes. Also, if your household is more ‘traditional’, you’ll be the last person to eat. If you’re lucky you get your own plate; else your husband’s used plate beckons you to finish his leftovers. Read on while I go and barf.

6. You might not know your own husband’s job description

Hindi serials are accused of subscribing to patriarchal norms, although ironically, the men in the family hardly have any decision making power to speak of. 100% of decisions regarding the household and relationships are made by women, and in some families even business decisions are made by the businessmen’s homemaker wives. The men meekly carry briefcases and mobile phones and appear to be furiously busy, although they are home whenever any drama takes place, which is about….always. Oh, and they always wear suits, regardless of the current weather or where they live.

But their businesses are hugely successful as you can infer from their palatial residences, their multiple cars, the amount of jewelry their wives wear etc. Strangely though, they never seem to have enough maids or other house help – you and your serial sisters end up doing most of the work.

7. You’ll never have a private conversation again

Sorry honey, but it’s true. Every conversation you have will have an audience, either visible or hidden. For one thing, you’ll never lock your door, you’ll think aloud far more than necessary and then your family members never realize the need to knock. Eavesdropping is completely legal in Serial land, so don’t shy away from doing it yourself. Also, do not hesitate in intruding upon a private conversation and offering your two bits. Discussing suitable birth control methods with your hubby? Be ready for this:

Also beware of embarrassing interruptions:

8. Your Mother in Law owns you

Ah, the joys of living in a joint family!! Once you are married, be prepared to surrender all your autonomy to your MIL. The minute you’ve brushed your teeth, she’ll be ready with your to-do list for the day. She decides everything for you – what you’ll cook, when you’ll eat, if you’ll be eating at all (there are a lot of traditional fasts), when you’ll have kids, what you’ll wear, where you’ll go. If you need to do something as simple as get your eyebrows threaded, be ready for a Q & A session that could last an entire episode.

9. You will not stand up for your rights

Yes, not under any circumstance will you stand up for yourself. You are not expected to voice your opinions, or even have them, for that matter. It is immaterial how educated or emancipated you were prior to getting married; now you will submit everything to the rules of your new home (see point 8). Your choices in any subject do not matter. Your personal dreams and aspirations do not matter. And hobbies? Honey, your only hobby now on is ensuring that no one has any complaints. In case you face injustice, you will suffer in silence and wait for things to work out on their own. Good luck to you, then.

10. Your life is over once you turn 60

This doesn’t apply to the men in your life, only you. Once you’ve got grandkids and great grandkids, bid goodbye to all material pleasures. You now get into your ‘Grandma costume’ – Plain sarees with the pallu over your head, full sleeve blouses and a look of general benevolence. Your main tasks are going to be –

a) Cuddling little children and supporting older grandkids

b) Discussing the good old days with fellow seniors

c) Getting upset at all the bitching and politics that happens around you

You are not expected to do any work and are not allowed to have any other interests outside the ones mentioned above. Forget autumn years, your life pretty much resembles the dried out branches of a tree in dead-cold winter.

Wokay….that was a really long post. Just so you know I could actually go on and on – but then there’s a limit to testing your patience :-). So how do you like life as a serial heroine? Have you felt the same or are you a fan of Hindi serials??

Humor, Personal

DIY – Farm Diorama

8:03:00 pm

UPDATE: This Craft Project was a winner in the Artsy Craftsy March Challenge for Animal Crafts!!

Cub and I have been a little slack in crafting, so I figured we’d make up for it with a little project. I’ve seen loads of dioramas on the internet and thought it was a great idea. Thinking up a theme took some time, since I wanted it to be simple and easy for Cub to understand. So, ‘Farm’ came up toppers.

This is how the conversation with Cub went:

Me: ‘Let’s make a craft project’

Cub (With a big grin): ‘Yay!!’

Me: ‘Let’s make a farm. You like that?’

Cub: ‘Yes!!’

Me: ‘What animals should we have in our farm?’

Cub: ‘Mmm…..Sheep……Cow….Giraffe……..and Elephant.’

Looks like someone has to work upon his animal knowledge.

Anyway, we searched the internet again, and got some ideas and set to work. Most of the supplies we used are things lying around the house, along with basic craft stuff like scissors, glue and tape. All I bought specifically for this craft was some blue chart paper to make the sky. Here’s the complete list of supplies we used for this little project:

Old Cereal box

Blue Chart Paper

Plain white paper

Colored paper sheets – Green, Black, Pink, Red

Old newspaper

Cotton Wool

Piece of Thermocol/ polystyrene

Ear buds

Pieces of yellow sponge

Popsicle Sticks

Googly Eyes

Scotch tape

Scissors (and a child safe pair for Cub)

Fevicol

Screwdriver

Paints

Extra farm animals, tractor etc.

Note: This is a project that older children can do all by themselves, except maybe the part using the screwdriver. For younger kids, you’ll definitely have to help by doing the tough parts. I’d recommend doing it in phases, like the background on one day, the animals on another etc., which makes it a perfect project for the summer holidays!!

Background

For the background, I used an old cereal box and cut it open along the sides.

Then I folded it like below, cutting out the unwanted flaps and sticking the sides together with tape.

Then I stuck on blue paper for the sky background, and green for the distant hills as well as the ground. Cotton wool formed the clouds.

Then I cut out thin strips of the leftover cereal box scraps, and Cub helped to stick popsicle sticks in a fence pattern. We glued them to the edge of the background and then reinforced with scotch tape.

Farm Animals

If you refer to the above conversation, you’ll notice that for Cub, ‘sheep’ was the first farm animal that came to mind. So, that was the first animal we made.

First, we scrunched up a sheet of newspaper into a ball.

Then I wrapped it white paper and sealed the ends with tape.

We poked four holes in the bottom with a screwdriver. Then I cut two ear buds in half and inserted them in the holes for legs.

Then it was time for a sheep face out of black paper with googly eyes stuck on. Then we covered the entire white ball with fevicol and stuck on the face in front, and cotton wool over the rest of the body.

Doesn’t he look adorable?? (Ok, I admit he does look a little overweight and like he’s going to topple over any minute)

Next, the cow.

Out of some old packing material, we cut out a rectangle and a triangle piece each.

Then, as with the sheep, we used ear buds as legs and to fix the body parts together.

We then gave the head some details. Ends of ear buds for ears, some pretty googly eyes and a pink paper mouth.

I love her eyes!! Itsy Bitsy has some really cute craft stuff J. There they are, a little awkward at making friends with each other!!

I also painted some black splodges on the cow. At this point, the farmer came along in his tractor to check if things were going okay.

Cub used that opportunity to add some extra animals from his toy collection – a horse and a pig. I also put in some pieces of yellow sponge for hay.

Then I checked if everything was in place. Oh wait. I forgot something – THE BARN!!! I immediately cut one out of red paper. The black you see are paper pieces and the white is paint. I stuck a piece of thermocol on the back of the barn and then stuck it on the background to give a ‘3-D’ effect.

Here’s a look at all the farm inhabitants again.

Blackie the sheep, giving the Tower of Pisa tough competition:

Elsie the cow, looking bashful for no apparent reason:

Ernie the horse, wondering if the hay is low-fat:

And Porkie the pig, having the time of his life:

I wanted Porkie to have a place of his own, so I used an empty biscuit package and put some cocoa powder in it.

Here’s the whole team together:

Cub was very happy with it and couldn’t wait to start playing. I barely managed to get some snaps J. I left him with it and by the end of the day, this was the scenario at the farm:

It looked like someone had announced the farm’s 1^st Hunger Games, and Blackie the sheep had emerged the lone victor. Blackie, who could barely stand on his own four feet. I honestly have no idea where the other animals are. Oh well.

This craft is a participant in the ‘Animal Crafts’ Challenge at the Artsy Craftsy Mom, sponsored by Itsy Bitsy. Do check out the link to see what other bloggers have made!